The psychic Tom gazed at his Tarot cards and delivered the bad news: “I’m sorry Amy, but there’s just no easy way to say this … Prepare to be a widow. Your husband Rich will die a violent, horrible death within the year.”
Visibly shaken, Amy stared at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths, composed herself and asked, “Will I get away with it?”
Two One Liners
Q: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?
A: Enough to kill 2 1/2 Men…
Q: What do you get when you mix PMS and GPS?
A: A crazy bitch that will find you!!!
On his way home from Pennypack, Bob is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
Bob replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
Officer Steve then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Bob replies, “That would be my wife.”
Pete Meets Sister Sue
Pete suffered a serious heart attack while shopping up on Frankford ave. Concerned neighbors called 911 when they saw him collapse to the ground. The paramedics rushed Pete to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. Sister Sue was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
Pete replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “None.”
“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
Sister Sue became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”
With that Pete replied, “Perfect! Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Glenn and Julie’s Cruise
Glenn and Julie were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the Julie overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so Captain Norm sent Glenn back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the Glenn got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.’ Hearing the news, Glenn faxed back: ‘Dear Captain Norm, Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap.’
Mikey’s got the POOPS!
Poor little Mikey, stricken with diarrhea, tells his mom that he needs Viagra. Stunned, his mother Sue asks, “Why on earth do you need that?”
Mikey replies, “Isn’t that what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard?”
First of all, MADD PROPS to the guy’s at Goodchild’s Repair Center! They did a HELUVA job on the body work and paint on my truck after my fiery 5 car collision! Thanks again guys!!
The shows in Pennypack on Wednesday nights have been AWESOME!! Joe Coyne KILLED IT last week with his band Evryman Jack. PROPS to the shows sponsors and to YOU for supporting live music! A special shout out goes to Paddy Whacks who have donated their time and $$$ each and every week to ensure that these shows go on. Thank You! Show them how much you appreciate what they do by visiting one, or ALL of their locations.
Up and coming shows:
8/3 – Our own Buddy Blanchard and the gang in Romeo Delight, a Van Halen tribute as well as Kick it Out, a Heart tribute
8/10 – Memories of Elvis Live – I CAN’T WAIT for this one!!
8/17 – The Party Dolls
8/31 – The British Invasion – a Beatles tribute
Come on out and enjoy the shows! They are free to attend, however they rely on donations to keep these shows going. Please give generously, and oh yeah, don’t forget your red cups!
See ya there!!
As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com. You guys RULE!!