Dec 23, 2011

(Laugh My Ass Of So Hard I Almost Fell Off My Chair)

Trish’s Mirror

Trish buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four “. Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her boyfriend Rich what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time Rich crosses his fingers and says: “Mirror mirror on the door, make my “manhood ” touch the floor! “. Again, there’s a bright flash, and both his legs fall off.”


Jimmy’s Christmas Wish

Dawn took her little boy Jimmy to see Santa. Once he was siting on Santa’s lap, Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said “Hey Jimmy, I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y.”
“Nope!” replied Jimmy.
Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. “You want C-A-N-D-Y.” “Nope!” replied Jimmy. “Then just what do you want for Christmas Jimmy”, asks Santa.
Jimmy looked Santa in the face, pointed his finger, and said, “I want W-O-M-A-N! And don’t tell me that you don’t have any, because I can smell one on your finger!”

Christmas One Liners

Q. Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A. Because they were originally made for children, but the father wants to play with them too!

Q. What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?
A. Snowballs

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?

Pennypack Christmas

Ms. Janet the teacher asked young Bob Finegan: “What do you do at Christmas time Bobby?
Bob addressed the class: “Well Ms. Janet
, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
“Very nice Bobby,” she said. “Now Norman, what do you do at Christmas?”
Well, Ms. Janet, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Lonnie, what do you do at Christmas?”
Lonnie said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas .”

Louie’s Conclusion

Annie is by her husband Louie’s bedside. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when Louie came to, he motioned for Annie to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what Annie? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what Annie?” “What dear?” Annie asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you’re bad luck!!”

No Snails at Sweeney’s!

A snail goes into Sweeney’s and orders a beer.
The barman Gary says ‘Sorry we don’t serve snails’ and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says … ‘What did you do that for!’

Final Thoughts …

Ho ho ho!!

First off, MADD PROPS to Johnny Rodgers and the rest of REV for putting on a killer Christmas show at the Stadium last week! They sounded AWESOME! If you haven’t seen REV yet, put it on your list of things to do for SURE! They’re playing at Redz on Jan 7th – stop on out!

Another band that tore it up at the Stadium the week before was Dino and the Missiles. I hate to pick out faves, and I’m sorry if this offends anyone (not really – haha!), but Dino is definitely the BEST frontman out there and I don’t think anyone from any other band would disagree! His energy is amazing! Dino was on hiatus for a little while, but he’s back and better than ever. Check him out too! Lately he’s been seen at several of Aj Slick’s shows, so if he’s not doing one of his own, maybe you’ll catch him there!

Speaking of bands … Yo bands! Louis is back from Vegas, so if you need any killer band banners made, or your vehicle lettered, Lou is here to do it! He’s BACK!! Shoot me an email or look him up at to get yours. He may even be working on magnets soon too!

Finally, MADD PROPS to Rauchuts (Kate) and Mike McCullough for keeping live music alive! Every Sunday night, Mike hosts an open mic event at Rauchuts on Frankford ave. and I don’t know how he does it, but he manages to get some of the best acoustic players and singers to show up week after week. You never know who is going to show up, but you know it’s going to be fun and a great time!

That’s it!
Have an AWESOME New Years gang, and be careful! I need to keep y’all around, and OOT isn’t delivered to the pokey! Haha!
Keep em comin –

Have FUN!

by | Categories: Jokes |