Donny’s Jokes

Aug 18, 2011

funnyA Sad Day for Lindsey Vonn

Today American Lindsey Vonn had to forfeit her gold medal won in the Downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics. The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to Vonn and has given it to U.S. President Barack Obama. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has gone Downhill faster than he has.

Survey Said!

50,000 men were asked what they liked most about receiving oral.
1% like the warmth,
2% liked the intimacy,
3% liked to watch it,
and 94% said they just liked the f**king peace and quiet!

—-

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and frankly, God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally fed up, God said “THAT’S IT!! I’ve had enough. I’m going to set up a test that will run for two hours and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.” So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused – they faxed – they e-mailed – they downloaded – they did spreadsheets – they created labels and graphs – they did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Just before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank computer screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld, and Jesus just sighed.
When the electricity came back on, and each of them re-started their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became IRATE!
“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all of his work and I don’t have any?”
God just shrugged and said ………… “JESUS SAVES ….”

Sue’s Cruise

Sue was out in a hot air balloon when suddenly she realized that she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend Pete that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
Joe, the man in the boat, consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.
“I am,” replied Joe. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information,
and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
Joe smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”
“I am,” replied Sue. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said Joe, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Weird …

– Did you know that the words “race car” spelled backward still spell “race car”?
– Did you know that “eat” is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?
– And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add just a few more letters, it spells out: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, towel headed, bomb-making, goat-shagging, raggedy-arse bastards with you”?
How weird is that??? …..

A Duck Walks Into A Bar

Duck: You got any bread?
Bartender: No, I’m sorry, we don’t have any bread
– a few minutes later
Duck: You got any bread?
Bartender: Look, we don’t have any bread!
– a little while later
Duck: You got any bread:
Bartender: We don’t have any F**KING bread!!
– times goes on …
Duck: You got any bread?
Bartender: If you ask me one more time if I have any f**king bread, I’m gonna nail your f**king bill to this bar
Duck: You got any nails?
Bartender: NO!!
Duck: You got any bread?

Finally …

Yo gang – I can’t believe Labor Day is almost here! I’ve yet to make it to the shore, but I will. I keep promising people that “I’ll be there”, but I’ve yet to take them up on their offers. Time to reel in some chips!
I also can’t believe the closing of Whiskey Tango. The last thing the Northeast needs is the closing of yet another stage that supports live music. I’m really looking forward to the Grand Re-Opening in the fall! I’ll keep ya posted.
There’s still two more shows going on down at the Pennypack stage, and the audiences this year have been AMAZING!
Coming up:
8/31/11 – The British Invasion – A tribute to the Beatles and more!
9/14/11 – The Pennypack Concerts Season Finale featuring Simply the Best – A Tina Turner tribute. This show is AWESOME!!
PROPS to Steve, Glenn, Norm, Lonnie, Harry, Janet, Pennypack Bob, John our AWESOME “Unofficial / Official Mayfair Photographer”, Renee and the rest of the Rangers, and the entire crew at Pennypack who volunteer their time each and every week to bring you guys some of the BEST shows in the area, and for keeping live music alive. Thank You guys!!
Please come on down to one (or both) of these final shows and please bring your donations. These shows rely solely on the support of a few sponsors (PROPS to Paddy Whacks, Goodchilds, etc), as well as donations from YOU! Without donations, these shows WILL end! Support Local Music!
That’s it …
Have a GREAT Labor Day gang, and as always, keep send your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot to DonnysJokes@Yahoo.com
Have FUN!!

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