One day, Mary goes to see her doctor all black and blue
Doctor: “Mary, What happened?”
Mary: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband Bradley comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp!”
Doctor: “I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth, but don’t swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor.”
Two weeks later Mary comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Mary: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he never touched me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”
I was thinking about the game show Hollywood Squares, and below are some of the answers that I thought that some of my friends would give to of my questions.
Here ya go:
Q. Nick, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Nicoletti: Loneliness!
Q. Do female frogs croak
A. Jo: If you hold their little heads under water long enough they do!
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Houl: Three days of steady drinking should do it!
Q. True or False – A pea can last as long as 5000 years?
A. Stevie K: Boy it sure seems that way!
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Bowie: That’s what’s been keeping me awake!
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he is attractive, is it ok to come out and ask him?
A. Tina Klein: No – Wait until morning
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Buddy Cash: My sense of decency
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I love you’?
A. Pete McD: No – You can say it with a pineapple and a twenty!
Q. Sue, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Sue Saint: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Nancy from Currans: The pin boy!
Q. It’s considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at a nudist camp. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Bradley: Tape measures
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Judy from Currans: Unfortunately I’m always safe in the bedroom
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Ape: Only after lights out
Q. If you are pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Kimberly: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark!
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Aj: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with kissing a lot of people?
A. Kevin McCloskey: It got me out of the Army!
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Johnny Rogers: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it’s sex?
A. Mike LeCompt: I’ll lend him the car, but the rest is up to him
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things that you should never do in bed?
A. Sue Cabry: Point and laugh
Holding Up Her End
After being married for 44 years, Mike McCullough took a careful look at his wife Sue one day and said, “You know … 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10 inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl! Now I have a $500k home, a $45k car, a nice big bed, and a plasma tv, but I’m sleeping with a 69 year old woman. It seems to me as though you’re not holding up your side of things.”
Sue, being a very reasonable woman, told Mike to go out and find himself a hot 25 year old girl, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on the sofa bed, and watching a 10 inch tv.
Funeral for a Friend
When Aj passed away his wife Eileen put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when Mike, a friend of Aj’s phoned Eileen and complained bitterly. “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea” came the angry voice. Eileen replied, “I nursed him night and day Mike, so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover, instead of the big shit he always was!”
Elton John and his mate David decided to have a baby. They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born, Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cribs, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to the both of them and indicated that the happy baby was theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton said to David. “All of these un-happy babies and yet ours is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!” Overhearing Elton, the the nurse replied “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!”
Yo gang – LOTS going on!
Starting next Saturday (May 14th), we’ve got the Mayfair Memorial Fallen Heroes Run honoring Sgt. Patrick McDonald. The run starts at 8:00 at Lincoln HS (Ryan ave parking lot). Shoot me an email for registration form or more details
Immediately following, we’ve got the Mayfair May-Fair! Right there at Cottman and Frankford we’ll have a stage set up next to Pat’s Music and we’ll be rotating several bands through there. Live performances by: Mike LeCompt, A.J. Slick, Boss Hydro, Static Lounge and Grafenberg. With acoustic sets by Mike McCullough, and T&N. It’s gonna ROCK! Also on the ave there will be sidewalk sales, moon bounce, best dressed pet contest, and several other things for all ages to enjoy. It’s gonna be AWESOME!!
AJ Slick has FINALLY released his newest CD, and it is AWESOME!! It’ll be available at all of his gigs (including the May-Fair), or you can hit me up to get one! PROPS to Aj, Stevie K, and Marc for putting out one heluva CD!!
Finally, tattoo this date onto your hand kids!
On Sunday June 5th from Noon to 5pm, the Northeast Riders M.C. will be having their 15th Annual Hawg Wild Pig Roast – Biker Bash. They’ll be having it on the grounds of the Ukrainian Club 847 N. Franklin St. Philadelphia, PA 19123. If you’ve never been to one of the NE Riders parties before, then you’ve never been to a party! All kinds of cool stuff and contests going on there as well as LeCompt on stage. Shoot me an email for more info or tickets.
I hope to see you at one, or ALL of the events!