Donny’s Jokes

Jul 27, 2011

laughPoor Rich

The psychic Tom gazed at his Tarot cards and delivered the bad news: “I’m sorry Amy, but there’s just no easy way to say this … Prepare to be a widow. Your husband Rich will die a violent, horrible death within the year.”
Visibly shaken, Amy stared at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths, composed herself and asked, “Will I get away with it?”


Two One Liners

Q: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?
A: Enough to kill 2 1/2 Men…

Q: What do you get when you mix PMS and GPS?
A: A crazy bitch that will find you!!!

Pennypack Bob

On his way home from Pennypack, Bob is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
Bob replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
Officer Steve then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Bob replies, “That would be my wife.”

Pete Meets Sister Sue

Pete suffered a serious heart attack while shopping up on Frankford ave. Concerned neighbors called 911 when they saw him collapse to the ground. The paramedics rushed Pete to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. Sister Sue was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
Pete replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “None.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

Sister Sue became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”
With that Pete replied, “Perfect! Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Glenn and Julie’s Cruise

Glenn and Julie were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the Julie overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so Captain Norm sent Glenn back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the Glenn got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.’ Hearing the news, Glenn faxed back: ‘Dear Captain Norm, Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap.’

Mikey’s got the POOPS!

Poor little Mikey, stricken with diarrhea, tells his mom that he needs Viagra. Stunned, his mother Sue asks, “Why on earth do you need that?”
Mikey replies, “Isn’t that what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard?”


First of all, MADD PROPS to the guy’s at Goodchild’s Repair Center! They did a HELUVA job on the body work and paint on my truck after my fiery 5 car collision! Thanks again guys!!

The shows in Pennypack on Wednesday nights have been AWESOME!! Joe Coyne KILLED IT last week with his band Evryman Jack. PROPS to the shows sponsors and to YOU for supporting live music! A special shout out goes to Paddy Whacks who have donated their time and $$$ each and every week to ensure that these shows go on. Thank You! Show them how much you appreciate what they do by visiting one, or ALL of their locations.

Up and coming shows:
8/3 – Our own Buddy Blanchard and the gang in Romeo Delight, a Van Halen tribute as well as Kick it Out, a Heart tribute
8/10 – Memories of Elvis Live – I CAN’T WAIT for this one!!
8/17 – The Party Dolls
8/31 – The British Invasion – a Beatles tribute

Come on out and enjoy the shows! They are free to attend, however they rely on donations to keep these shows going. Please give generously, and oh yeah, don’t forget your red cups!
See ya there!!

As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to You guys RULE!!

Have FUN!!

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Osama Bin Laden was found in the town of Abottabad
Talk Abotta bad place to hide!

(PROPS to your US Navy Seals!!)

Emily’s Encounter

A young girl named Emily sneaks into the bathroom, and sees her father Chad in the shower. Naturally, she’s curious, and she asks what his testicles are.
“Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” Chad proudly tells her!
Impressed, Emily then repeats this information to her mother who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?

10 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Swings
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid Section
5. Provide Me Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
7. Pimples May Surface
8. Pass My Sweatpants
9. Pissy Mood Syndrome
( my fave)
10. Potential Murder Suspect

Cricket Boy

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn’t a guy in our class that everybody called the “Cricket Boy”, because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, “You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he’s just like everybody else.” Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I’d invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping, I’d have to kick him out.

Things that I’ve Pondered

– If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
– Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
– Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
– Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
– Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
– Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
– You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole damn plane out of the same material?
– Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
– Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
– Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
– How can someone “draw a blank”?
– Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
– What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Deeper Thoughts ...

– I bet it would be pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
– Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
– Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal trying to swim to shore, because really, where does he think he’s going?!

Perky Lisa

Lisa, a woman in her mid 50’s, was at home happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband Matt watches for a little while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
Lisa continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old!”
“What did he say about your 56 year old ass?” Matt asked
“Your name never came up.”

Finally …

– Thanks to all who came out and made this years Mayfair May-Fair the greatest event ever! Big Time PROPS to T&N, Aj Slick, Boss Hydro, Grafenberg, Static Lounge, Mike LeCompt, and Mike McCullough for coming out and entertaining everyone with some AWESOME music! Special thanks to Arsenal Sound for providing the stage and PA, to Len for recording all of the acts with his little flip camera, and finally to Kevin Goodchild for hooking us up with a drum kit for the day. Thank You!!

– Pennypack Concerts are alive and kicking! Stop on out every Wednesday night at “The Stage” around 7:00 and catch some of the best bands and music this areas ever seen. The shows are all put on with donations, so please be generous if you want these events to carry on!

– On Sunday June 5th from Noon to 5pm, the Northeast Riders M.C. will be having their 15th Annual Hawg Wild Pig Roast – Biker Bash. They’ll be having it on the grounds of the Ukrainian Club 847 N. Franklin St. Philadelphia, PA 19123. If you’ve never been to one of the NE Riders parties before, then you’ve never been to a party! All kinds of cool stuff and contests going on there as well as LeCompt on stage. Shoot me an email for more info or tickets. PROPS to anyone who can toss a keg further than Mike McCullough! He is the KING of the toss!

– Aj Slick’s new CD titled “The Mirror Wouldn’t Lie” is now available! You can pick them up at any of their gigs, online at, or shoot me an email to get cha one! It is AWESOME!!

– Have a GREAT Memorial Day gang!
As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to You guys RAWK!!

Have FUN!!

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The Remedy

One day, Mary goes to see her doctor all black and blue
Doctor: “Mary, What happened?”
Mary: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband Bradley comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp!”
Doctor: “I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth, but don’t swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor.”

Two weeks later Mary comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Mary: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he never touched me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”

Hollywood Squares

I was thinking about the game show Hollywood Squares, and below are some of the answers that I thought that some of my friends would give to of my questions.

Here ya go:

Q. Nick, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Nicoletti: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak
A. Jo: If you hold their little heads under water long enough they do!

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Houl: Three days of steady drinking should do it!

Q. True or False – A pea can last as long as 5000 years?
A. Stevie K: Boy it sure seems that way!

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Bowie: That’s what’s been keeping me awake!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he is attractive, is it ok to come out and ask him?
A. Tina Klein: No – Wait until morning

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Buddy Cash: My sense of decency

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I love you’?
A. Pete McD: No – You can say it with a pineapple and a twenty!

Q. Sue, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Sue Saint: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries!

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Nancy from Currans: The pin boy!

Q. It’s considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at a nudist camp. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Bradley: Tape measures

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Judy from Currans: Unfortunately I’m always safe in the bedroom

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Ape: Only after lights out

Q. If you are pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Kimberly: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark!

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Aj: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected!

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with kissing a lot of people?
A. Kevin McCloskey: It got me out of the Army!

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Johnny Rogers: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it’s sex?
A. Mike LeCompt: I’ll lend him the car, but the rest is up to him

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things that you should never do in bed?
A. Sue Cabry: Point and laugh

Holding Up Her End

After being married for 44 years, Mike McCullough took a careful look at his wife Sue one day and said, “You know … 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10 inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl! Now I have a $500k home, a $45k car, a nice big bed, and a plasma tv, but I’m sleeping with a 69 year old woman. It seems to me as though you’re not holding up your side of things.”

Sue, being a very reasonable woman, told Mike to go out and find himself a hot 25 year old girl, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on the sofa bed, and watching a 10 inch tv.

Funeral for a Friend

When Aj passed away his wife Eileen put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when Mike, a friend of Aj’s phoned Eileen and complained bitterly. “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea” came the angry voice. Eileen replied, “I nursed him night and day Mike, so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover, instead of the big shit he always was!”

Gay Love

Elton John and his mate David decided to have a baby. They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born, Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cribs, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to the both of them and indicated that the happy baby was theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton said to David. “All of these un-happy babies and yet ours is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!” Overhearing Elton, the the nurse replied “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!”


Yo gang – LOTS going on!

Starting next Saturday (May 14th), we’ve got the Mayfair Memorial Fallen Heroes Run honoring Sgt. Patrick McDonald. The run starts at 8:00 at Lincoln HS (Ryan ave parking lot). Shoot me an email for registration form or more details

Immediately following, we’ve got the Mayfair May-Fair! Right there at Cottman and Frankford we’ll have a stage set up next to Pat’s Music and we’ll be rotating several bands through there. Live performances by: Mike LeCompt, A.J. Slick, Boss Hydro, Static Lounge and Grafenberg. With acoustic sets by Mike McCullough, and T&N. It’s gonna ROCK! Also on the ave there will be sidewalk sales, moon bounce, best dressed pet contest, and several other things for all ages to enjoy. It’s gonna be AWESOME!!

AJ Slick has FINALLY released his newest CD, and it is AWESOME!! It’ll be available at all of his gigs (including the May-Fair), or you can hit me up to get one! PROPS to Aj, Stevie K, and Marc for putting out one heluva CD!!

Finally, tattoo this date onto your hand kids!

On Sunday June 5th fromĀ  Noon to 5pm, the Northeast Riders M.C. will be having their 15th Annual Hawg Wild Pig Roast – Biker Bash. They’ll be having it on the grounds of the Ukrainian Club 847 N. Franklin St. Philadelphia, PA 19123. If you’ve never been to one of the NE Riders parties before, then you’ve never been to a party! All kinds of cool stuff and contests going on there as well as LeCompt on stage. Shoot me an email for more info or tickets.

I hope to see you at one, or ALL of the events!

Have FUN!!

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Jokes For August 2009

Sep 3, 2009

Some Random Thoughts That I’ve had:

– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

– Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you’re wrong.

– I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” No one does … But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

– Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

– I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger

– There is a great need for sarcasm font.

– How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

– I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

– The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

– Was learning cursive really necessary?

– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!

– What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it … Thanks Mario Kart.

– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

– I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

– Bad decisions make good stories

– Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures …. Don’t mind if I do!

– Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go a round and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

– There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

– I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means that I will never wash this ever.

– I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

– When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

– I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

– Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

– Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

– It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

– I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

– I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition while in college.

– Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

– My 3-year old niece asked me in the car the other day “Uncle Donny, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

– I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

– I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

– The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Wildwood Days

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts.

The one who can eat the sixth doughnut

Love in an Elevator

Economy Fixed !!

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force – Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1. They retire immediately. Forty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.
2. They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.
3. They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can’t get any easier than that!

It’s not over yet – Summer is still going strong. Stop on out to The Stadium during one of our TV tapings. Always a blast !!
New boxing classes starting soon … shoot me an email for more info …

As always, if you’ve got a good joke, story, or pic, send them on over to

Have FUN !!

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