funny8

Christmas Announcement

Tampax has announced that they will be replacing their tampons string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.

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Gift Idea

Stuck for ideas this Christmas?
Buy someone a fridge and watch their face light up as they open it!!

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Tis the Season for Cheesy One Liners
!!


Q: Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
A: The smallest ones

Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
A: Baby reindeer

Q: How does Santa Claus take photos?
A: With his North Pole-aroid


Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve

Q: What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
A: The letter “D”

Q: Who delivers cat’s Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws


Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it “soots” him

Q: What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?

A: Dinner
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?
A. “Looks like rain, dear.”

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MORE – But They’re Getting Better!!!

Q: How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
A: Three: The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.


Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
A: Santapplause!
Q: What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic
Q: What do you call Santa when he has no money?
A: Saint “Nickel”- less
Q: What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A: A rebel without a Claus
Q: What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A: A puddle
Q: What kind of music do elves like best?
A: “Wrap” music!
Q: Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
A: Elfis!

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Knock Knock

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

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Sir Paul’s Gift

Sir Paul McCartney bought his ex wife a new artificial leg for Christmas.
It was just a stocking stuffer.

Finally …

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad, Happy Festivus, – Whatever you’re into, it’s Christmas time – The time of year when everyone gets all “Santamental” – Haha!

There’s quite a few events and parties going on, however it all starts this Friday (14th) at Reales’. Out on The Town will be having their annual Christmas Party and all are invited! Stems and Seeds will be playing Christmas tunes all night long and I’m sure Gary from Reales’ will hop in and sing a tune or two. Always a blast at Reales’! The party starts at 7:00, and drinks are on Mikey – It doesn’t get any better than that!! (I can hear Mikey screaming from here – Hahaha!!)

Saturday the 15th Get the Led Out will be playing their annual December show at the E. Factory. The show starts at 8:30 and as of this printing, tickets are still available. Needless to say, this show is absolutely AWESOME and the boys would love to see you there!

I’m sure I’m missing some parties here, but probably one of the most important show this month is the “Forever Autumn” benefit concert being held on the 22nd at the TLA. This is an all ages show and it runs from 2:30-11:00. Tickets are available at the door for $25.00 ea with all of the proceeds from this event will go to the Autumn Pasquale Memorial Fund. I’m told there have been some amazing gifts donated by some big name bands (Cinderella, Motley Crue, etc) to be used in the 50/50. PROPS to everyone involved with putting this show together – You guys RULE!! For more info, look up Forever Autumn on facebook.

That’s it …. Have an AWESOME Christmas gang! Enjoy the time with your family and friends, and I hope that the fat guy brings you all that you want, and more!

As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com
Have FUN!!

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funny_turkey_thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving!!!

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims

Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their AGE!

Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
A: If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play

Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY

Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A: A poultrygeist!

Q: What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
A: Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!

Q: What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
A: Wing! Wing!

Q: What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Your nose.

Q: What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A Har-VEST.

Q. Why was Plymouth Rock so brave?
A. It was a little boulder

Q. What do hippies put on their Thanksgiving potatoes?
A. Groovy
Q. On what holiday do you play a lot of jokes on people?
A. Pranksgiving

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Brownie’s Fish

Brownie goes to Dr. Harry her veterinarian with her pet goldfish and says ” Hey Doc I think my goldfish has epilepsy, can you fix him”? The vet takes a look at the fish and replies, “It seems calm enough to me Brownie.”
Rolling her eyes Brownie replies, ” No duh … I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet!”

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Things a Naked Guy Never Wants to Hear (Submitted from Bacon)

– I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
– Awww, it’s cute.
– I guess this makes me the early bird.
– Why don’t we just cuddle?
– You know they have surgery to fix that.
– Make it dance.
– Can I paint a smiley face on it?
– Wow, and your feet are so big.
– It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
– Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
– Can I be honest with you?
– How sweet, you brought incense.
– This explains your car.
– Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
– Why is God punishing me?
– At least this won’t take long.
– I never saw one like that before.
– But it still works, right?
– It looks so unused.
– Maybe it looks better in natural light.
– Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
– Are you cold?
– If you get me really drunk first….
– Is that an optical illusion?
– What is that?
– It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
– Does it come with an air pump?
– So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

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Schlitz

Vince walks into JC’s and asks Bowie the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. Bowie says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it? Vince replies, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”. “You don’t understand” said Vince, “Chunks is my dog!”


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My Observation

Women are always say that giving birth to a child is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. There is obviously no way to directly prove that they are wrong, however a year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It would be nice to have  another child.”

You never hear a guy say, “It sure would  be nice to get kicked in the nuts again!”

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Finally

I can’t believe that Thanksgiving is here already, but I’m really excited to see winter whizzing by – I can’t wait till Spring! Once again I’d like to thank all of our volunteers who helped out with the Mayfair Holmesburg Thanksgiving Parade. We couldn’t have done it without you! I’d especially like to thank Saturn, Mike LeCompt, Nick from Stem, Chowder, Jamison, Romeo Delight, Michaels Glass, and as always the Glimmer Twins for performing in the parade. We’re STILL getting emails and phone calls from people telling us how awesome you guys were! They loved you guys – Thank You!!

Speaking of Mayfair, stop on up to the Mayfair Tree lighting and Christmas Village on Sunday December 2nd starting at 1:00 right at Frankford and Cottman. All kinds of crafts (including beer) as well as Santa! The tree will be lit at dusk by our Civic Association Presidents as well as our Parade Grand Marshals – Joe DeFelice (Mayfair), Mary Benussi (Tacony), and Rich Frizell (Holmesburg). Stop on up!

The Northeast Riders will be hosting their annual Toy Run on Sunday December 9th. Meet at Brians HD before noon with a new toy to be delivered to children with special needs. PROPS to the Riders for keeping this tradition going!

Thats it gang … As always keep your jokes, pics, whathavue and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN!!

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Cheesy Halloween One Liners – Ya Gotta Love It!!

Q: What do little ghost drink?
A: Evaporated Milk

Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in

Q: What do you say when you meet a ghost?
A: “How do you boo?”

Q: What is a ghost’s favorite breakfast?
A: Booberries

Q: What is a ghoul’s favorite breakfast?
A: Rice Creepies

Q: What did the policeman say to the spider who ran down his back?
A: “You’re under a vest!”

Q: What do you call the ghost of a door to door salesman?
A: A dead ringer?

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank

Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch

Q: What do you call a ghost in a holy sheet?
A: A holy terror

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape
Q: What would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand witch
Q: What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A: Five after one

Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
A: A Harewolf

Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up on it and yell “BOO!”

—-

Yo Colleen – I’ve got MORE!!

Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle

Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a ghost?
A: A poultry-geist

Q: What does Dracula put on his nachos?
A: Halloween-o Peppers of course

Q: What do you get when you cross a monster and a pig?
A: Frankenswine

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with

Q: What time was Dracula’s dentist appointment?
A: Tooth-Hurty

Q: Why did the mummy go on vacation?
A: He needed to unwind

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
A: Tweets

Q: What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards

Q: What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A: A Boo-ick

Q: What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?
A: Pump-Kin

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts

—–

Boo Who?

Knock Knock
Who’s there
Boo!
Boo who?
Don’t cry – It’s just a joke

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Costume Jokes

Two medical residents were invited to a costume party. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find something to wear but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues. One wore the top half, and the other wore the bottom half.

Q: What were they?
A: An upper and lower GI

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Nancy’s Costume

Nancy from Currans has nothing to were for Halloween, so she puts a sheet over her head, sticks some horns on it and goes to work. Once at work, Diane asks, “Nancy, what are you supposed to be?” Nancy replies, “Bull Sheet”

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Quick Thinkin Victor

Victor came to my door on Halloween dressed as ‘Rocky’ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Because I was giving away large chocolate bars, Victor decided to he come back and hit me up again.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who was here a few minutes ago?” I asked

“Yes” Victor replied “But now I’m the sequel!”

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Today’s Halloween Specials:

Ghoulash, Scream Beans, Scalped Potatoes, and Booberry Pie with I Scream

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Finally …

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and we’ve got some really cool things going on round here. For starters, this Saturday (13th) REV will be playing at Currans in Tacony.

On Sunday (14th), Mayfair is having it’s 2nd Farmers Market right at Cottman and Frankford from 9 till 2:00 (that’s AM kiddies … lol). All kinds of cool stuff there including live music and a Grey Lodge Beer Garden! How cool is that?!! Bring your Growlers!

Speaking of Mayfair – The Thanksgiving parade is coming up and you’re more than welcomed to create and enter your own float in the parade! Shoot me an email for more details.

On Friday the 19th, Aj Slick will back at Sweeny’s jammin his ass off again. Speaking of Sweeny’s, they’ve been booking some really good bands up there (as usual)! Joe Coyne (Evryman Jack) recently played there as a last minute fill in and he’s been asked to play again in November on the 11th. Awesome!!

On the 27th, Teddy Dugan is once again having his Halloween Fest featuring Seven, Angry Vic, Pixie Dix, and Disturbing the Peace. It’s 6 hours long and only $30 smackaroos. Shoot me an email for details. It’s going to be INSANE!!

Alright gang .. as always keep your jokes, pics (especially the Halloween pics) whathavue and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN!!

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Donnys Jokes

Aug 29, 2012

Funny-and-Clever-Egg-Photography-2

A Coupla One Liners

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Q. Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?
A. The cops got nothing to go on.

Q. Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
A. Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.
——


Tick Tick Tick

Steve and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man named Norm joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus, so the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a short while, Steve gets irritated by the ticking of Norm’s stick as he taps it on the sidewalk, and he says to him, “Hey Norm, Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “Why don’t you shut your pie hole Steve … If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the fricken bus!”

——

Dave’s Pickin Lemons

Unfortunately finding himself out of work, Dave decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
He applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and of course he was way too qualified for the job. He had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker, a school teacher, and a parts manager.
Looking at his application, Rich the foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” Dave replied “I’ve been divorced three times, I’ve owned 2 Fords, and I voted for Obama in 08!”

—–

Jimmy’s First Day
Jimmy coming home from his first day at school ran into the house and yelled excitedly at his mother Dawn “Mom Mom Mom, I got 100 in school today”
Dawn replies “Thats wonderful Jimmy! What did you get 100 in?”
A very proud Jimmy says “Two things Mom …. I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History!”

——
Mrs. Cooper Meets Stevie
Trying to get to know her new students a little better, the teacher Mrs. Cooper asked the class what their fathers did for a living. When she asked little Stevie Schemely what his father did, Stevie said, “My father’s dead, Mrs Cooper. ” “Oh, I am sorry to hear that Stevie. In that case, what did he do before he died? ” Stevie replied, “He went blue, held his chest, moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and then collapsed. “
—–
Finally ….
First off, I’d like to thank everyone for their kind words, cards, and emails that I, and the rest of the Pennypack Music Festival received over the passing of Ed Kelly. I still can’t believe that he is gone and it’s going to take me quite some time to adjust to his not being with us at the concerts anymore. He absolutely loved the shows and the people who came each week and enjoyed all of the hard work that he put into making it all happen. None of it would have been possible had it not been for Ed Kelly. The man is a hero in my eyes not only for what he did for our neighborhood, but also for keeping live music alive. He did this not just by putting acts on the big stage, but also through music scholarships that are funneled into local schools to continue music education. I’m going to miss him dearly and again, I Thank You from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words thoughts and prayers!

Speaking of Concerts, there’s only 2 left!

Wednesday Sept 5th (I can’t believe I’m even saying September already … Grrrrrr!!!) staring at 7:00 it’s our “Southern Rock Night” featuring Jersey Bound doing their tribute to ZZ Top followed by Tuesdays Gone doing their tribute to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I’m diggin this show! Apparently Tom from Scruples is comin and he’s bringin some local talent along with him – Right Tom?!?! Haha!

And finally, on Sept 12th it’s our “Season Finale” featuring Simply the Best doing the best Tina Turner tribute that you’ve ever seen, especially with Aj Slick, Stevie K, Mike Rubino, and Bobby Michaels backing her up! The stage is gonna be filled with talent!

So come on down! Bring your family and friends, and lets enjoy all that Ed did for us just a couple of more times before we wrap it all up for the winter.
(I can’t believe I just wrote the word winter …. Grrrrrrrr!!!)


Keep em coming gang! DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN!!
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gas-lol-omg-wtfSt. Patty’s Day Humor

Q:  What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A:  A sham rock

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Vince is Goin for the Gold

Vince is pokin around in Rite Aid and discovers a new brand of condoms called Olympic Condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack and rushes home. Once there he tells Joanne about the condoms he just bought. “Olympic Condoms?”, she blurts out, “What makes them so special?” “They come in three colors”, Vince replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “Oh yeah, and what color are you going to wear tonight?”, Joanne asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says Vince proudly. Joanne responds really? “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be really nice if you came second for a change!”

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Quick Thinkin Rich

Nervous as hell, Richie Hump walks up to this girl in at Redz and says, “Would you like to dance? ”
The girl smirks and says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you anyway. ”
Stunned however always quick with a comeback, Rich smiles and replies, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants. ”

Don’t Mess With Anna
After patrolling the streets of Mayfair all night, Anna came home and found her husband Ken blow drying his junk! Stunned, Anna asked, “Ken – What the hell are you doing?!?!?” When Ken woke up in the hospital he quickly realized that “Heating your dinner” was not the right answer.
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Mia’s da Boss
While playing in the playground, young Thomas turned to his brother Sam and says, “You know what Sam … I think it’s about time we started cussing.”Sam agrees and nods his head in approval”
Thomas continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell, and you say something with ass.”
Sam likes the plan agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother Mia walks into the kitchen and asks the Sam what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Awww hell Mom … I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK!!!
Sam flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I decide to let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at Thomas and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” Thomas blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
Ironic?
The food stamp program, part of the Dept of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile another government agency, the Park Service, has signs posted everywhere stating “Please Do Not Feed the Animals as they may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.”

Finally

First off, PROPS to everyone who came out and made Mayfair’s Shamrock Shuttle a huge success! You guy’s came, you partied, and you respected the neighborhood. Thank You! As a result of the Shuttle’s success, we’re already planning on another similar event in May called the Mayfair May-Fair. Stay tuned!
As far as Patty’s day plans, I’ll be headin to Redz to catch Boss Hydro and Rev playing some killer music along with their Green Bikini Contest. If you’ve got a hot frame, strap on your best bikini cause the winner will be walking out with an extra $500 in their pocket! This contest is no joke! PROPS to Redz for hosting it!

As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN!!

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Donnies Jokes

Feb 22, 2012

Donny’s Jokes – February / March 2012

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President’s Day

Amy Knows Dave and Christine were eating breakfast with their daughter Amy over the weekend when Christine asked, “Amy, what holiday is on the 20th of February?”Amy replied “It’s Presidents Day Mommy!” “She’s such a smart kid” boasted Dave who then asked  “And what does President’s Day mean honey?”Waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln or something like that Amy instead replied “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we’ll have one more year of unemployment!”

Little Julian vs Mr. Paul

Little Julian walks onto his school bus and sits right behind the bus driver Mr. Paul and starts yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow I’d be a little bull. ” Mr. Paul starts getting irritated at the noisy kid, who continues with, “If my mommy and daddy were elephants then I would be an elephant too! ” The kid goes on and on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells, “Hey Julian, what if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!” Julian smiles and says, “That’s easy Mr. Paul … I’d be a bus driver! ”

Kelsey’s Bike

Dave came home from a long business trip to find his daughter Kelsey riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike Kelsey … It must have cost $300? ” “Easy, Dad,” the little girl replied. “I earned it hiking. ” “Come on,” said Dave “Tell me the truth. ” “That is the truth,” Kelsey replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Kenny from the campground would come over to see Mom. Then he’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! ”

Matt’s Cookies

A very old man named Matt lay dying in his bed. Suddenly he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength, lifted himself from the bed, and slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame gazing into the kitchen.There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted girlfriend Lisa D who wanted to see to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering every effort he could, he threw himself towards the table and fell to the floor. Matt’s shaky, aged, and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a spatula by his girlfriend Lisa.  “Stay out of those Matthew,” she said. “They’re for the funeral!”

Granny Greeko

Trish the hooker was hanging out with all of her hooker friends along Cottman ave. when suddenly Steve the cop pulled up and said “Hey little girl … You and all of your friends line up for questioning!” Out of nowhere Trish’s grandma, Granny Greeko, came walking by and said “Why are all of you girls lined up here?” Trish didn’t want her grandma to know what she did for a living so she said “We’re lined up here to buy oranges grandma.” The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to Granny Greeko the cop said “How do you do it, you’re so old?!? “Granny Greeko replied – “It’s easy … You just peel it down, and you suck it dry! ”

Thirsty Norm

Steve the cop pulls Norm over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers window and asks, “You drinking? “Norm replied, “You buying? ”

Finally …March 3rd gang … Saturday March 3rd is the Shamrock Shuttle in Mayfair and it’s gearing up to be one of the best ones yet! The bar owners and neighborhood organizers have worked really well together to ensure a great day for all. The buses start rolling in around noon and will run until … who knows! Traditionally the weather has been absolutely beautiful on Shuttles past and I’m sure the luck of the Irish will continue. Please be respectful of the neighborhood so that these events and others like it will continue to run through Mayfair for many many years to come. Thanks guys!

Speaking of Mayfair … PROPS to Gary of Reale’s for bringing in some really good bands to play for their Friday Happy Hours! A few weeks ago I caught Joe Coyne of Evryman Jack playing and last week was Stems and Seeds. Thanks Gary – Keep em commin!The weather’s finally breaking and before you know it May will be here and teh concerts in teh park will be in full swing. The crew of the Pennypack Music Festival have been working their asses off to try to bring you some of the best concerts ever. We’re also toying around with possibly doing a first ever Cover Band Concert in Pennypack this summer, so Stay Tuned!

That’s it gang … As always keep your pics, jokes, whathavue and whatnot coming to DonnysJoke@yahoo.com.You guy’s are the BEST … Have FUN!!—Donny SmithMayfair Civic AssociationSergeant-at-Armshttp://www.mayfaircivicassociation.com/

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(Laugh My Ass Of So Hard I Almost Fell Off My Chair)

Trish’s Mirror

Trish buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four “. Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her boyfriend Rich what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time Rich crosses his fingers and says: “Mirror mirror on the door, make my “manhood ” touch the floor! “. Again, there’s a bright flash, and both his legs fall off.”

—-

Jimmy’s Christmas Wish

Dawn took her little boy Jimmy to see Santa. Once he was siting on Santa’s lap, Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said “Hey Jimmy, I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y.”
“Nope!” replied Jimmy.
Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. “You want C-A-N-D-Y.” “Nope!” replied Jimmy. “Then just what do you want for Christmas Jimmy”, asks Santa.
Jimmy looked Santa in the face, pointed his finger, and said, “I want W-O-M-A-N! And don’t tell me that you don’t have any, because I can smell one on your finger!”


Christmas One Liners

Q. Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A. Because they were originally made for children, but the father wants to play with them too!

Q. What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?
A. Snowballs

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?



Pennypack Christmas

Ms. Janet the teacher asked young Bob Finegan: “What do you do at Christmas time Bobby?
Bob addressed the class: “Well Ms. Janet
, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
“Very nice Bobby,” she said. “Now Norman, what do you do at Christmas?”
Well, Ms. Janet, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Lonnie, what do you do at Christmas?”
Lonnie said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas .”

Louie’s Conclusion

Annie is by her husband Louie’s bedside. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when Louie came to, he motioned for Annie to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what Annie? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what Annie?” “What dear?” Annie asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you’re bad luck!!”
—–

No Snails at Sweeney’s!

A snail goes into Sweeney’s and orders a beer.
The barman Gary says ‘Sorry we don’t serve snails’ and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says … ‘What did you do that for!’
—–

Final Thoughts …

Ho ho ho!!

First off, MADD PROPS to Johnny Rodgers and the rest of REV for putting on a killer Christmas show at the Stadium last week! They sounded AWESOME! If you haven’t seen REV yet, put it on your list of things to do for SURE! They’re playing at Redz on Jan 7th – stop on out!

Another band that tore it up at the Stadium the week before was Dino and the Missiles. I hate to pick out faves, and I’m sorry if this offends anyone (not really – haha!), but Dino is definitely the BEST frontman out there and I don’t think anyone from any other band would disagree! His energy is amazing! Dino was on hiatus for a little while, but he’s back and better than ever. Check him out too! Lately he’s been seen at several of Aj Slick’s shows, so if he’s not doing one of his own, maybe you’ll catch him there!

Speaking of bands … Yo bands! Louis is back from Vegas, so if you need any killer band banners made, or your vehicle lettered, Lou is here to do it! He’s BACK!! Shoot me an email or look him up at RipItGraphix.com to get yours. He may even be working on magnets soon too!

Finally, MADD PROPS to Rauchuts (Kate) and Mike McCullough for keeping live music alive! Every Sunday night, Mike hosts an open mic event at Rauchuts on Frankford ave. and I don’t know how he does it, but he manages to get some of the best acoustic players and singers to show up week after week. You never know who is going to show up, but you know it’s going to be fun and a great time!

That’s it!
Have an AWESOME New Years gang, and be careful! I need to keep y’all around, and OOT isn’t delivered to the pokey! Haha!
Keep em comin – DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN!

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Julian’s Letter to Jesus

mathematics_in_adult_marriage_jokesChristmas was coming, and Julian asked his mother Sue if he could have a new bike. Sue told him that he should probably write a letter to Santa Claus and ask him for the bike. Julian having just played a vital role in the school nativity play said that he would rather write the letter to baby Jesus. His mother told him that that would be fine.

Julian went to his room and wrote, “Dear Jesus, I’ve been a very good boy and would like a new bike for Christmas”, but he wasn’t very happy when he read the letter over, so he decided to try again. This time he wrote” Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy MOST of the time, and would like a new bike for Christmas”. Still not happy, he tried a third time, “Dear Jesus, I COULD be a good boy if I really tried, and especially if I had a new bike!”


Julian still wasn’t satisfied, so he decided to take a walk and think about a better approach. After a short time, he passed his neighbor’s, the Scoats house, and they had a small statue of the Virgin Mary in their front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home, and hid it under the bed. Julian sat down and re-wrote the letter – “Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, there’d better be a new bike under my Christmas tree this year!”

—-

Tis the Season for Cheesy One Liners!!

Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you

Q: Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A: Because they are both tail bearers

Q: How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
A: Don’t feed it

Q: Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
A: Because his brown ones were all muddy

Q: How long should a reindeer’s legs be?
A: Just long enough to reach the ground

Q: Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
A: The smallest ones

Q: Where do you find reindeer?
A: It depends on where you leave them

Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
A: Baby reindeer


Q: How does Santa Claus take photos?
A: With his North Pole-aroid


Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve

Q: What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
A: The letter “D”

Q: Who delivers cat’s Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws

Q: How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?
A: Stacks


Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it “soots” him

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
A: This ones gonna sleigh you
Q: What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you call a cat on a beach at Christmas?
A: Sandy Claus
Q: What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?
A: Dinner
Q: How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
A: Three: The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Weeweechu

One beautiful December evening, Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean admiring a beautiful romantic full moon.
“The moon is stunning”, said Hung Cho, “Let’s play Weeweechu.”
“Oh no, not now Huan, lets just look at the moon”, said Jung Lee.
“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love you so much, and it’s the perfect time!” Huan Cho begged.
“Can’t we just hold hands and quietly watch the moon?” pleaded Jung
“Please Jung Lee, just once… play Weeweechu with me.”
Jung Lee looked at Huan and said, “OK Huan, we’ll play Weeweechu.”
Excited, Huan Cho grabbed his ukulele and together they sang…
“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

MORE – But They’re Getting Better!!!

Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
A: Santapplause!
Q: What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic
Q: What do you call Santa when he has no money?
A: Saint “Nickel”- less
Q: What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A: A rebel without a Claus
Q: What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A: A puddle
Q: What kind of music do elves like best?
A: “Wrap” music!
Q: Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
A: Elfis!


Final Thoughts …
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad – It’s Christmas time – The time of year when everyone gets all “Santamental” – Haha!
Special thanks go out to everyone who came out and made the Mayfair-Holmesburg Thanksgiving Parade the AWESOME event that it was! Our Grand Marshal Ed Kelly (the man who built the Pennypack stage) was overwhelmed with joy! All of the bands were amazing! PROPS to Stems and Seeds for taking 1st place in the float contest. The bar has now been set – Haha!
PROPS also go out to Maggies, The Grey Lodge, The Hop Angel, Caspers, Paddywhacks and ALL of our sponsors for sponsoring the parade. We couldn’t have done it without you – Thank You!!
If you’re not doing anything on Sunday the 4th, Mayfair is having their Christmas tree lighting ceremony ( We still call it a Christmas tree here in Mayfair ) in Frusco’s lot at Frankford and Wellington at 4:00pm. Our Grand Marshal Ed Kelly will be lighting the tree. Bring your kids, and bring an unbreakable ornament to decorate the tree. It’s a good time with live music, Santa, and refreshments for all!
Have an AWESOME Christmas gang! Enjoy the time with your family and friends, and I hope that the fat guy brings you all that you want, and more!
As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com
Have FUN!!
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Leroy’s Hearing

d68a36be2d89e79c_Photo_Jokes_AIn a Detroit church one morning, the preacher said, “Anyone with special needs, who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the altar”. With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want us to pray about for you? Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing”. With that, the preacher placed his hands on Leroy’s head, and together with the rest of the congregation, they prayed together and asked God to help Leroy with his hearing.  After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands from Leroy’s head, stood back, and asked “Leroy, how is your hearing now?” Leroy replied, ” I dunno preacher .. my hearing ain’t till Tuesday”

Health and Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety test at work today.
One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”
‘F*%king big ones’ was apparently the wrong answer


Aj Hits the Lottery

Aj says to his wife Eileen, “Yo Ei … What would you do if I won the lottery?”
Eileen replies, “I’d take half, and leave your sorry a**!”
“Excellent” he replies … “I won 12 bucks … here’s $6 .. now get the hell out!”



Facebook


Pondering one day, Vince turns to me and says, “Ya know Donny, Facebook is just like Prison”
“How’s that” I asked?
Vince replied, “Well … You sit around all day and waste time, You write on walls, and you get Poked by people you don’t know!


Puzzled Jerome

Little Jerome walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.Jerome sees his mom and asks, ‘Mom … What were you and Dad doing?’ The mother replies, ‘Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.’

‘Your wasting your time,’ said the boy.
‘Why is that?’ the mom asked puzzled.

‘Well …. when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.





Milt’s Earring

Pete is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker Milt is wearing an earring.
Pete knows his Milt to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”
Pete walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” Milt replies sheepishly.

Pete falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my girlfriend found it in my car.”

—-

Finally

Yoooooo!!!

On Sunday Nov 20th, at high noon, the 35th Annual Mayfair/Holmesburg Thanksgiving Parade will be strolling down Frankford avenue once again! This year, Ed Kelly, the man who built the Pennypack stage will be the Grand Marshall, and the theme of the parade is “Bringing Music to Mayfair”. Our own Mr Squishy, aka Mikey V will be MC-ing the event as well. There will be bands, floats, all kinds of stuff for the whole family, so stop on up and together lets Thank Ed for everything that he’s done not just for Mayfair, but for music lovers everywhere!

As always, keep your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot coming to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN!

Donny Smith
Mayfair Civic Association
Sergeant-at-Arms
http://www.mayfaircivicassociation.com/

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Donny’s Jokes

Aug 18, 2011

funnyA Sad Day for Lindsey Vonn

Today American Lindsey Vonn had to forfeit her gold medal won in the Downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics. The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to Vonn and has given it to U.S. President Barack Obama. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has gone Downhill faster than he has.

Survey Said!

50,000 men were asked what they liked most about receiving oral.
1% like the warmth,
2% liked the intimacy,
3% liked to watch it,
and 94% said they just liked the f**king peace and quiet!

—-

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and frankly, God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally fed up, God said “THAT’S IT!! I’ve had enough. I’m going to set up a test that will run for two hours and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.” So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused – they faxed – they e-mailed – they downloaded – they did spreadsheets – they created labels and graphs – they did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Just before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank computer screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld, and Jesus just sighed.
When the electricity came back on, and each of them re-started their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became IRATE!
“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all of his work and I don’t have any?”
God just shrugged and said ………… “JESUS SAVES ….”

Sue’s Cruise

Sue was out in a hot air balloon when suddenly she realized that she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend Pete that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
Joe, the man in the boat, consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.
“I am,” replied Joe. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information,
and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
Joe smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”
“I am,” replied Sue. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said Joe, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Weird …

– Did you know that the words “race car” spelled backward still spell “race car”?
– Did you know that “eat” is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?
– And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add just a few more letters, it spells out: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, towel headed, bomb-making, goat-shagging, raggedy-arse bastards with you”?
How weird is that??? …..

A Duck Walks Into A Bar

Duck: You got any bread?
Bartender: No, I’m sorry, we don’t have any bread
– a few minutes later
Duck: You got any bread?
Bartender: Look, we don’t have any bread!
– a little while later
Duck: You got any bread:
Bartender: We don’t have any F**KING bread!!
– times goes on …
Duck: You got any bread?
Bartender: If you ask me one more time if I have any f**king bread, I’m gonna nail your f**king bill to this bar
Duck: You got any nails?
Bartender: NO!!
Duck: You got any bread?

Finally …

Yo gang – I can’t believe Labor Day is almost here! I’ve yet to make it to the shore, but I will. I keep promising people that “I’ll be there”, but I’ve yet to take them up on their offers. Time to reel in some chips!
I also can’t believe the closing of Whiskey Tango. The last thing the Northeast needs is the closing of yet another stage that supports live music. I’m really looking forward to the Grand Re-Opening in the fall! I’ll keep ya posted.
There’s still two more shows going on down at the Pennypack stage, and the audiences this year have been AMAZING!
Coming up:
8/31/11 – The British Invasion – A tribute to the Beatles and more!
9/14/11 – The Pennypack Concerts Season Finale featuring Simply the Best – A Tina Turner tribute. This show is AWESOME!!
PROPS to Steve, Glenn, Norm, Lonnie, Harry, Janet, Pennypack Bob, John our AWESOME “Unofficial / Official Mayfair Photographer”, Renee and the rest of the Rangers, and the entire crew at Pennypack who volunteer their time each and every week to bring you guys some of the BEST shows in the area, and for keeping live music alive. Thank You guys!!
Please come on down to one (or both) of these final shows and please bring your donations. These shows rely solely on the support of a few sponsors (PROPS to Paddy Whacks, Goodchilds, etc), as well as donations from YOU! Without donations, these shows WILL end! Support Local Music!
That’s it …
Have a GREAT Labor Day gang, and as always, keep send your jokes, pics, whathaveu and whatnot to DonnysJokes@Yahoo.com
Have FUN!!

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