Jokes For August 2009

Sep 3, 2009

Some Random Thoughts That I’ve had:

– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

– Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you’re wrong.

– I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” No one does … But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

– Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

– I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger

– There is a great need for sarcasm font.

– How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

– I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

– The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

– Was learning cursive really necessary?

– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!

– What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it … Thanks Mario Kart.

– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

– I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

– Bad decisions make good stories

– Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures …. Don’t mind if I do!

– Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go a round and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

– There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

– I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means that I will never wash this ever.

– I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

– When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

– I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

– Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

– Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

– It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

– I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

– I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition while in college.

– Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

– My 3-year old niece asked me in the car the other day “Uncle Donny, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

– I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

– I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

– The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Wildwood Days

WHO’S THE MOST POPULAR MAN ON THE NUDE BEACH ?
The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts.

WHO’S THE MOST POPULAR GIRL ON THE NUDE BEACH ?
The one who can eat the sixth doughnut

Love in an Elevator
TRAPPED ON AN ELEVATOR WITH SIX PEOPLE FOR TWO DAYS, MARY FINALLY STANDS UP AND ANNOUNCES,
“IF I’M GOING TO DIE, I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.” SHE REMOVES EVERY STITCH OF HER CLOTHING
AND ASKS , “IS THERE SOMEONE ON THIS ELEVATOR WHO IS MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN ?”
BRADLEY STANDS UP , RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT, MARCHES OFER TO THE WOMAN AND SAYS ” HERE YA GO … IRON THIS ”

Economy Fixed !!

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force – Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1. They retire immediately. Forty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.
2. They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.
3. They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can’t get any easier than that!

It’s not over yet – Summer is still going strong. Stop on out to The Stadium during one of our TV tapings. Always a blast !!
New boxing classes starting soon … shoot me an email for more info …

As always, if you’ve got a good joke, story, or pic, send them on over to DonnysJokes@yahoo.com

Have FUN !!

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Where to get the best deals in area bars, clubs and restaurants can be found in each special Issue of Out On The Town Entertainment Guide…IN THE OOT PAPER ( IN YOUR FACE IN THE BARS) and also ( IN YOUR FACE online 24/7 @ www.ootweb.com or www.ootonline.com ) FEATURED in each ISSUE.
See why Out On the Town is the best choice when going out… This is the only FUN PAPER TO FIND that gives you only the top area locations all in an easy to read and hold format.
SEE:
*THE BEST MILLER LITE PROMOTIONS in only the BEST BARS and Clubs in the REGION. For the entire month!
FIND OUT ABOUT THE BEST YUENGLING BEER PROMOTIONS in the REGION.
FIND OUT ABOUT THE BEST BUD AND BUDLIGHT PROMOTIONS in the REGION.
FOOTBALL IS COMING and you will want to know where to cheer on our EAGLES and your favoirte teams…along with the best deals in town… so spread the word…OOT is your number 1 choice to help you enjoy the GOOD TIMES and to enjoy FOOTBALL FOR 2009. Listed in each paper too are area locations that cheer on the best College Football….So get ready
the new OOT hits on Sept 2nd …just in time for the KICKOFF SEASON.

MORE FUN FROM YOUR LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT NEWS SOURCE…Out On The Town Entertainment Guide!

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The pick of the summer has been MAGGIE’S WATERFRONT CAFE…something every day and night to experience…SUNDAYS are the REAL FUN DAYS…from 4pm…because OOT is in the house … playing the music we all grew up with…ALSO look for all kinds of cool giveaways …JOIN in with DJ CAPT. MIKE along with OOT’s MIKEY V as hour host …MAGGIES has the FOOD , THE PEOPLE, THE ATMOSPHERE and of course the MUSIC REAL GOOD FEEL GOOD KIND OF MUSIC……STOP on by with your family and friends every Sunday. FOR MORE see them online at : www.ootweb.com

TODAY: GRAB SOME BUDWISER BEEDS…and also we have tickets/to see a couple of cool shows. COME UP TO MIKE V and in honor or MICHAEL JACKSON’S BIRTHDAY WEEKEND…ask for a particular song and we can get you some kind of GIVEAWAY!

MORE FUN FROM YOUR LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT NEWS SOURCE…Out On The Town Entertainment Guide!

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STATEMENT BY KENNY GAMBLE AND LEON HUFF, LEGENDARY PRODUCERS AND ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES, ON DEATH OF DOO-WOP PIONEER JOHNNY CARTER
OF THE DELLS, PHILADELPHIA INTERNATIONAL RECORDING ARTISTS

johnny_carter

SOUND OF PHILADELPHIA” PIONEERS WROTE AND PRODUCED ALBUM

I SALUTE YOU FOR ONE OF THE FINEST AND LONGEST-LIVED R&B VOCAL GROUPS IN HISTORY

    FUNERAL SERVICES TO BE HELD SUNDAY, AUG. 30 IN HARVEY, IL

PHILADELPHIA – Legendary producers and recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees KENNY GAMBLE and LEON HUFF, who brought Philadelphia soul music (“The Sound of Philadelphia”) to “people all over the world,” reacted this morning to the death last weekend of doo-wop pioneer Johnny Carter, who recorded with Philadelphia International Records as a member of The Dells.

Carter, whose falsetto tenor also was heard as a founding member of The Flamingos, died Friday in his hometown of Harvey, IL, after a long battle with lung cancer. He was 75.

Funeral services will be held Sunday, Aug. 30 at Bethlehem Temple, 20 East 147th St., Harvey, IL 60426, at 4 p.m. and 5 p.m. CST., in conjunction with Holts Funeral Home, also in Harvey.

Carter joined Gamble & Huff in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, inducted twice as a member of The Dells and The Flamingos.

“The Dells have been together 58 years, and they really go way back with us, too,” said Gamble & Huff in a joint statement. “We’ve always looked at them as some of the key innovators of Rhythm & Blues, and Johnny Carter, was especially innovative, because of his earlier tenure with the Flamingos, which also was an excellent group. We considered him to be one of the best tenors ever in Rhythm & Blues, with an absolutely superb voice. Not only us, but a lot of people will be sad about his leaving.”

After coveting The Dells for years, Gamble & Huff finally got to work with the legendary Chicago vocal group in 1992, further updating their sound on the I Salute You album. One of the finest and longest-lived R&B vocal groups in history, The Dells signed with Gamble & Huff’s Philadelphia International Records through Zoo/BMG amid a flurry of record offers, and I Salute You was issued around the time of the group’s 40th anniversary. Two of the album’s singles, “Come and Get It” and the glorious ballad “Oh My Love” landed on Billboard’s R&B charts. Other notable tracks from I Salute You included the soul searching “I’m Only a Man” and the regional hit, “SomeBody’s Gotta Move,” which later featured high-powered Philly vocalist Grace Little.

Gamble & Huff recorded another album with Carter and The Dells in the early ‘90s that remains unreleased in the Philadelphia International Records vault. As a tribute to the group, the label plans to release that album in the near future.

Carter joined The Dells in 1960 and helped the group become one of the few to span music genres, with a repertoire that included doo-wop, jazz, soul, disco and contemporary R&B and resulted in successful recordings surpassing more than four decades. Carter belted out his tenor vocals smoothly blending them with Marvin Junior’s lead baritone to mesmerize audiences equally in concert and on record. The unmatched union of Carter and Junior took The Dells’ world-renown legendary songs to a heightened crescendo, from their two #1 R&B hits, “Oh, What a Night” and “Stay in My Corner,” to other favorites like “Standing Ovation,” “There Is” and “The Love We Had (Stays on My Mind).”

Gamble & Huff’s classic hit, “If You Don’t Know Me By Now,” was originally supposed to be recorded by The Dells, but Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes stepped in and took it to the top of the R&B charts and No. 3 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Gamble & Huff wrote over 3,000 songs with in 35 years, including R&B #1 hits, pop #1 hits, gold and platinum records, Grammy winners and BMI songwriters’ awards honorees. Featured prominently in television programs (“The Apprentice”), films (“The Nutty Professor”) and advertising spots (Verizon, Old Navy, The Gap) for more than 30 years, Gamble and Huff’s songs have entered the musical DNA of contemporary culture. In fact, one of their songs is played on the radio somewhere in the world every 13.5 minutes. With a stable core of artists led by the O’Jays, Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes, Billy Paul, MFSB and the Three Degrees, Gamble and Huff co-founded Philadelphia International Records and created monster hits almost from the first day of its inception. Songs they have written and produced together, like “Back Stabbers,” “Love Train,” “For The Love Of Money,” “If You Don’t Know Me By Now,” “Cowboys to Girls,” “Don’t Leave Me This Way,” “Enjoy Yourself,” “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me,” “Only the Strong Survive” and “TSOP,” have received songwriters’ awards from Broadcast Music International (BMI). All told, the Gamble-Huff/PIR music machine” has generated over 100 Gold and Platinum records and over 70 #1 hits.

In 1999, four years after being inducted with Gamble into the National Academy of Songwriters’ Hall of Fame, Huff was honored with his longtime partner by the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences with the Trustees Award, for his extensive body of work, both as producer and songwriter, and his contribution to the entire fabric of popular music. Last year, Huff was inducted with Gamble into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Huff also has appeared on American Idol in a show devoted to his music, and with Gamble has been inducted twice into the Dance Music Hall of Fame and the R&B Hall of Fame.

FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT:

www.gamble-huffmusic.com

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Going out can be a tuff choice these days…HERE are some of the best offerings in the Greater Delaware Valley on DRINKS and FOOD and ENTERTAINMENT – Support our advertisers when going out! See we checked out these places and they are the best bets anytime when going out.

DELAWARE COUNTY BEST – BOOTLEGGERS, THE DECK, JD Mc Gillicuddy’s

SOUTH JERSEY’S BEST – THE COASTLINE – THE TRUMP MARINA, THE TRUMP PLAZA – THE TRUMP TAJ, MC CROSSIN’S On THE WATERFRONT, WESTY’S in WILDWOOD NJ, THE SOVERIGN BANK ARENA TRENTON NJ, THE CHERRYWOOD LOUNGE, Thursdays at Shadie Katies!

NE PHILA. BEST – Maggies Waterfront Cafe, Whiskey Tango,Sweeneys, Chickie’s & Pete’s,Paddy Whacks, Mc Noodles,Caspers, The Rhawnhusrt, JT’s Phila House, Nicks Roast Beef, Alberts , Linden Pub, Three Monkeys, O’ Mare’s, La Casa Di Lucia,The Ashton Pub, Flukes Bar & Grill, Chuck’s Alibi, Albert’s Cafe, Bog Side Irish Pub.

*MANAYUNK: The Manayunk Brew Pub and Restaurant, USA HOTEL
*CENTER CITY PICKS: Finnigan’s Wake, * CLICK on the LINK FOR (VATV ) for VIDEO ON CENTER CITY RESTAURANTS AND CENTER CITY OOT HOT SPOTS” See the link on the HOME PAGE. Coming this Fall more Olde City and more Center City Phila locations . Nothern Liberties Locations coming soon!
*SOUTH PHILA PICKS: South Phila Bar & Grill – CHICKIES & PETES

BUCKS AND MONTGOMERY COUNTY – Michaels Cafe, Big Heads ( All Locations), General Davis House, Hazys, Tony’s Place, TJ SMITHS, The Stadiums( ALL Locations), 5 Points, Andalusia, Fairless Hills, Dunlaps Bristol, Street Road, Mc Stews Irish Sports Bar, The Road House Inn, Currans Irish Inn, Harrigans Irish Pub, Squirrel Murphys,The Fireside Beef and Ale, Pikes Pub,The Red Stallion, The Ball Park Bar, Double Visions, The Wet Whistle, Bradys Irish Pubs ,Dean Casmirri’s Colonial Inn, Casmirri’s Sports Bar, Franks Sports Bar.

*PICKS OF THE WEEK BY MILLER LITE: The Bala Inn, Bridgids,Drinkers Tavern, General Grants, Harrigans, Hollywood Tavern,
Mikeys American Grill, The New Britian Inn, Paddy Whacks *3 locations…Reales, The American Pub, Blarney Stone, Duffer’sMill E’s IRish Sports Bar, Fat Tuesdays, Hollywood Tavern, JD Mc Gillicuddy’s All Locations, Kilbanes, Three Monkeys

*PICKS OF THE WEEK BY YUENGLING BEER: Billys Chili Pot, Black Sheep, Bonks, Brownies Pub 2nd Street, Dark Horse,
The Fox Hound, Mc Crosson’s Bar, Mill Creek Tavern, My Brothers Pub, North Star, Panico’s Grill and Sports, Pennsport Pub,
Phila Bar and Grille, RauchetsTavern, South Philly Bar & Grill, Sportsters, The Inn Chester Springs, Walts Red Rose INN,
Waverly Lounge,Westys Bar,The World Cafe, Chickie’s & Pete’s ( All Locations)POPPOP’S Wayne Pa SPORSTERS, BROWNIES

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Sat. Aug 29th from 5pm to 9pm Look for one of the biggest Benefits for the summer of 2009 at “FLUKES” located at 7401 State Rd … hundreds will be on hand to support “THIS GIFT OF LIFE BENEFI”…Look for STEMS and SEEDS … Tickets are: $30 per person which will include: FOOD and BEER
Some tickets are still left – CALL ARIA HEALTH ICU 215-612-4095 or contact Jennifer @ Jnn04@comcast.net The event is hosted by THE CRITICAL CREW Aria Health ICU DRAGON BOAT TEAM…meet EAGLES CHEERLEADERS Alexandra and Amanda 6pm to 8pm…Proceeds to benefit the GIFT OF LIFE FAMILY HOUSE! FOR MORE GO TO: www.GiftoflifeFamilyHouse.org/events
OOT will be making a stop and doing some hosting and playing some great music…along with giving out some cool prizes!
Mike V says come on out to this benefit!

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IT’s easy to get the real stuff in marketing…
OOT DIGITAL MARKETING SERVICES ( Email your next order to: ootme2@aol.com )
HERE’s How: OOT ONLINE reaches as of today…25,000 to as high as 40,000 every 21 days (Just to the PDF of the OOT online)…this is growing daily! In the Entertainment business Out On The Town is a name you can trust!
We can grow your own online numbers and fan base and give you the right exposure and targeted market you desire.
OOT ONLINE NETWORK is: ootweb.com …ootonline.com where you can place your banner ad, with link
or just a banner and message of service you render. We can place your video clip up online or we can design and taylor a video made with real professional
high end HD Digital Cameras…our cameras shoot for Broadcast and Cable TV & INTERNET. We Produce:1/2 hour shows, :30 sec spots, segments, internet clips – You name it – we shoot it! NO CAMCORDERS HERE but the real thing in Video. PLease click to our OOT TUBE SECTION and see some of our work. We can cover your event any event!
SUPPORT DAILY/WEEKLY/MONTHLY : OOT NEWS AND ALERTS BLOGS, OOT NEWS BLOG POST ON MYSPACE with over 3,000 movers and shakers …the ones going out! OOT NEWS BLOGS on FACEBOOK daily and growing with the people that want to know about you and what you do…. Now up on Twitter…also we back up what we do with our HARD COPY FREE ENTERTAINMENT PAPER – Out On The Town is the most respected and longest running FREE Entertainment news source
Distributed to selected area bars and clubs in the region a min. of 10,000 to 20,000 regulars who are out spending money daily find each special Issue of the Out On The Town right in there face and this is a workhorse that lives on every 21 days…In your face to your market daily and In your face to all of our ONLINE FANS AND PATRONS
24/7 and keeps on working with the combination of all the other ONLINE ITEMS WE OFFER. SEE OUR FAMILY OF CLIENTS
and join in with us! We service the Greater Delaware Valley area…

COMING SOON: A NEW BAND DIRECTORY and CLUB DIRECTORY with LOGOS and LINKS – FIND OUT HOW WE CAN LINK YOU
in our ever growing NETWORK at OUT ON THE TOWN with our DIGITAL MARKETING & VIDEO SERVICES.
ootme2 @aol.com or call the office at : 856-786-1600 YOU NEED THE RIGHT STUFF IN MARKETING your next event
with OOT you are coming to the right place. COMING SEPT. We offer EMAIL BLAST with 34,000 hot emails in the age demo of 21 to 30.
YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL PR…we also offer on the NATIONAL LEVEL PROFESSIONAL PR SERVICES that can get you in the NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT. OUR NETWORK HAS one of the hottest PR PERSONS in the COUNTRY ON STAFF and has a list of NATIONAL CLIENTS that our house hold names. We can do this for you and your business.
NEED THE RIGHT STUFF IN MARKETING?…YOU FOUND IT WITH OUT ON THE TOWN! COMBINE OUR SERVICE NETWORK WITH YOURS and SEE WHAT CAN HAPPEN! SOCIAL NETWORKING IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN DOING FOR OVER 30 YEARS –
JOIN IN WITH A NETWORK DEDICATED TO THE LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT SCENE! CONTACT OOT by email ootme2@aol.com or call the office 856-786-1600 Fax over your copy and information 856-786-1450 Or Call me, Mike Vagnoni 24 hours via
my personal cell at 215-668-5282 OUT on The Town is here to service you!

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Where to GO and What to Do on Saturday nights or for any night of the week is easy when you key into Out On The Town
ONLINE or your OOTWEB. Go to: www.ootweb.com and or www.ootonline.com Coming soon you will see the biggest Club and Bar Directory in the Greater Delaware Valley area. You can still pick up the OOT found in hundreds of selective bars and clubs in the area.

OFFER FOR THE NEW DIRECTORY COMING:
BARS AND CLUBS FIND OUT how you can be listed in the easy to surf directory. Become and OOT MEMBER with your rewards in marketing. We will post weekly NEWS BULLETINS on MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, TWITTER, and here online at the OOTWEB.
DISCOUNTS ALSO are coming for our readers and fans… 1/2 half off on many items from dining out to FREE COVER …all this is coming to your from OOT – YOUR local Entertainment NEWS SOURCE made from inside the local Entertainment
Industry. RATES FOR THE NEW DIRECTORY – CONTACT the OFFICE: 856-786-1600 Be the first with your LOGO and link to your website and also your listing.

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Maggies Waterfront Cafe is the place every sunday with the OOT PATIO PARTY… ALL SUMMER LONG join in with OOT for good looking people – Great Food and Cool summer drinks and of course the greatest music ever with your host Mikey V from oot along with DJ Captain Mike. The fun starts at 4pm. See ya sunday with the Best Sunday Afternoon party in the region. MORE FUN with OOT! Weekly Prizes and Giveaways and the music you grew up with. * Note Mikey V plays the music that made his TWO STREET SHOW in WILDWOOD NJ on OLDIES 94 the hottest summer time show ever at the Jersey shore!

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The new website just wouldnt be the same without OOTnews & Alerts! I will be updating on a daily basis, giving all of my fellow OOTers the lastest news and events!

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